These Things I'll Never Say

Dear Sam, 

I believe that every individual no matter their race, religion, gender, or even sexual orientation is a child of God. With this noble birth right comes a divinity that is beyond our comprehension. A connection that binds us to who we are as people, as sons and daughters of God. I believe that their are good works that have been set before us by our Father in Heaven and it is our duty to bless the lives of others through the example of Christ or the spirit of charity. I know that no one is perfect and because of this we have the Atonement. I believe that we all have the power to choose between right and wrong, but it will be our choices that determine the kind people we are and the kinds of people we associate with. I believe that we are forever changing as the world around us changes with each passing moment. I believe in faith. With out faith, this world would be hopeless. I believe in living each day to the fullest, being kind others, and helping those in need. Most importantly, I believe in love. The love that God has for each of his children, the way He blesses our lives that is so unique and important us in the tiniest of things. The love that a mother has for her child. The love that a son has for his father. The feeling that you get when the boy you love kisses you when you expected it to never happen :) The love that leads you to wait for someone because you know how perfect you are for each other. Even if it is just waiting for them to realize it. I believe in you. I always have. Since the day I have met you I knew you were someone special. Someone I needed in my life. and I believe in miracles. 

Truly Yours,

Valerie

p.s. I believe that we belong together. 

My Ex-Boyfriend is Bipolar.

Alright! Sam (my ex boyfriend.. I hardly ever use his actual name anymore) can sometimes be my best friend and then sometimes make it seem like he wants nothing to do with me. Yesterday morning he texted me and was really weird about it. Basically saying, I am texting you to text you but I can't actually talk right now or don't want to talk right now. I don't know.. So I just ignored him. Then he texts me later about glee... and I am not about to sit there and talk to him about glee. I forget he even texted me, go to work, and when I get off of work I have a voice mail from him about how he misses me and he really needs to talk to me and he told me some lame joke and I am weak so I called him back. I hate how well we get along. I hate how we talk like we are best friends. I was driving home and I told myself the second I got home that I would make up an excuse of  how I needed to get off the phone. So I stopped at all the yellow lights. I NEED TO GET OVER HIM!!! It's weird though.. When I talk to him I don't feel sad about what we lost anymore, I am just happy for what we have. 
Today there was a morning side for the youth in my ward (kinda like a fireside but in the morning) and I showed up a half an hour late because I wanted to get out of the before lesson socializing.. but I didn't get the memo that they were skipping that today so I just looked like an idiot showing up a half an hour late. Oh and I was supposed to bring muffins... I definitely did not bring muffins. awkward. haha
I get home from this at around 10:30 am and don't have to leave for church until 12:30 so I went to drop off some movies that I rented last night and to go visit my sister. I decided to bring my little toy poodle with me... bad idea. unfortunately she got car sick all over my dress. lovely. And then I get a call from a deli that I interviewed with a month ago and I didn't ever hear back from them and I am so focused on the fact that I smell gross that I agree to a final interview for 5:00 pm. I soon after kicked myself for forgetting it was Sunday and went back to being grossed out.
**SIDE NOTE: I currently am a sales associate at Claire's but I never and I mean NEVER get real hours there. I work 0 to 3 to 5 hours a week or a month. and I hate it!! but they put me on call (their beckoning call) all the time. uggh. So I wanted a new job that gave me more hours and was able to work with my schedule. Cue job hunting. I interviewed at this deli and it went super duper well but I didn't here back and just forgot about it. turns out they just weren't hiring a month ago, but now they are and they want me. Sweet :) It pays a little less but I am getting 25- 30 hours a week. good deal :)
Two outfits later
I got a second job. Filled out paper work. I start Tuesday :) Oh and they are working with my schedule so I work after schools and Saturdays.. no Sundays :)
So lets rewind a little bit to right before church.... I caved. I called Sam. Dang it! I just really needed his opinion on getting a second job and his advice. and I am not kidding when I say we get along sooooo well and we agree with almost everything on our political mindsets and we have real deep conversations even if its fifteen minutes before church.... but then he starts talking about whats wrong with the LDS church.. and again my head is filled with doubts and I have to pray, read my scriptures, and fight hard to feel the peace of the spirit again. I hope one day he can have a change of heart. But as much as I want to.. I can't change him. I can't force him to go back to Argentina and serve the remaining 21 months of his mission. even though I really really want to. I just can't.
I miss who he was while he was on his mission and before his mission. We had such a beautiful friendship and relationship and I want that back. Maybe it won't ever be with him again and that's okay. But it still hurts.
Well, that is all for now :)

Can February Be Done Now?

Rant #1 My Sadies date FINALLY said yes but it was really awkward. Let me explain... he came over at 10:00 am which would normally be fine... but it was on a snow day! No, I did not have make up on, my hair was not done, I was in my sweats, and I didn't even have a bra on! There was no way I was about to answer the door! So my dad did.... and it was awkward. I am in the other room feeling awkward and uncomfortable as I heard my parents make my date feel awkward and uncomfortable. And after he finally left my house... I didn't even want to stand up... I just wanted to melt into the couch and die. haha Finally I hesitantly walk into the other room and see a box wrapped in golden paper with pink balloons and a pretty a little card that said "Valerie" It was all really pretty and inside the box were balloons that I popped and there was this whole message that led to him saying yes. So very thoughtful, cute, and I did love it. I just was still feeling really awkward. A few hours later I called him about what group he wanted to go in because one the possible groups were making t-shirts and I was wondering if he wanted to do that... bad idea... maybe I am just over reacting but that entire phone conversation was uncomfortable....

Rant #2 and #3 On Tuesday at my high school there was a "No Place For Hate Tolerance Panel" and there were five different organization representatives there, one being the head of the Resource Exchange. Which is an organization in Colorado that helps with Special Education. My dream is to become a special education teacher. I have a sister with Downs Syndrome and have been working in the special education room since I was in 8th grade and I have completely fallen in love with it. So after the tolerance panel I wanted to go talk to the head of the Resource Exchange and do a little networking. Well at my high school... in front of people he was like "You are the kind of the person we are looking for to do an internship." I think to myself, "YAY!!! foot in the door, he is impressed by me, and this is gonna be great!" Right? No. Turns out he just wanted to look good and gave me his business card in hopes I wasn't actually serious. and yet another uncomfortable phone call in which he tells me that internships are not even available until after I receive a masters degree and not during college like he made it sound. Stupid Two Face. The next rant I am including in this one because also has to do with Special Education. Last week I was invited to a slumber party/ birthday party for one of the girls I work with in the special needs room and that was last night. I thought it was going to be a few girls there and when there aren't too many people at an event, I am confident in my friend making abilities. I show up early to help set up like I was asked and already I am feeling like I don't know anyone and I am the odd one out... and then about 70 more people show up..... and then I REALLY feel alone in a crowded room. I tried really hard to get into groups and talk but it was just so loud and uncomfortable and no one was talking to me. I just wanted to go home :( I stayed for the "SURPRISE" part but in truth, the girl with special needs looked SUPER overwhelmed with everybody and everything that was going. I was there when a boy choir group from my school came to sing her happy birthday and a Justin Bieber song (her absolute favorite, its adorable how much she loves Justin Bieber!) I watched her open up presents.. but there was a lot of presents there and so many people around her... I could tell she wasn't really processing the presents and didn't even know who they were from. and not that I want to make this whole thing about my bad Friday night but... It was impersonal, it was loud, it was chaotic, it was lonely... So I went home to watch a sad movie. I am just really bummed that it wasn't what I was expecting.

Rant #4 I am currently in a Zoology class and after we finished our exams we were able to watch a little bit of "Finding Nemo" One of our class assignments is to take care of a pet (even if its a 75 cent fish that is alive for two days) and I already have a cute little toy poodle named Penny but watching finding Nemo inspired me to dig out an old fish tank I have in my garage, spend two hours cleaning it and cleaning a place for it in my room... and then only to lift it up on to my dresser for me to accidentally have the bottom slip into the corner of my dresser. Glass and water was everywhere. Yepp.

Rant #5 I love my ex boyfriends family. I love and Miss them so much it hurts sometimes. Two nights ago my ex's sister-in-law Facebook messaged me and wanted me to get back together with her brother-in-law because she misses me and knows that I was a really good thing in his life. One problem though.... he doesn't want to be with me. And as much as I love him or miss him or think that I want to be with him... I knows deep down inside that he is not what is best for me. Having his lovely sister who is so close to my heart tell me that she wants us to be sisters and wants things to work out between me and my ex because she misses me and wants me to come visit her out in Utah well it hurt.. A LOT. All of these old memories were dragged up to the surface and I don't know what to do with them... But then my ex texts me...... uggh... and has the nerve to ask me how my day is going and if I have any plans this weekend. haha I am not actually mad about what he said I just wish he would leave me alone so I can get over him. However, as much as he hurt me, I don't want to lose his friendship/ acquaintanceship. So I am still trying to figure out this delicate balance. 

Rant #6 As negative as all these previous rants were I want everyone to know that I LOVE my life. Yes, I have horrible days/weeks/months but I also have incredible friends and opportunities. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that he hears my prayers. I know that I am a daughter of God. I am so incredibly excited for what my future holds and all the bright days ahead of me. I love chasing after my dreams and although it might be a little discouraging at times.. I know I CAN do it :) and I sure has heck don't need a dumb guy to drag me down. Life is great, wonderful, exciting :) and I can not wait to see what happens next! :) 

Senioritis...

I have a very servere case of Senioritis. According to the Urban Dictionary
Senioritis is:

Senioritis
	Urban Word of the Day noun. A crippling disease that strikes high school seniors. Symptoms include: laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shorts, sweatpants, and sweatshirts. Also features a lack of studying, repeated absences, and a generally dismissive attitude. The only known cure is a phenomenon known as Graduation.

How do I know this?
Because I haven't gone to first period in a week. Yepp that's right.. a WEEK!
I tell myself its okay because I am only missing guitar and speech class.. classes that are so easy I can make them up just by spending five minutes with the teacher but still... I said that this would never happen to me and it is still only February haha. So last night I made an agreement with myself that I would actually get up when my alarm clock went off. The only problem is after I woke up and started to get ready... I found out it was a snow day. and there goes my motivation...

Best of Especially For Youth

This is one of the cheesiest music videos... but I LOVE it!
The LDS mutual theme for 2012 is "Arise and Shine Forth" and yesterday I went to a best of EFY and it was great!

Here is just one quote that I really loved: "Live so others will want to know Christ because they know you."
Sometimes I struggle with what I believe in and what is really true and it is amazing what the power of prayer can do. The spirit that comes with studying scriptures, growing in becoming a better person, and "letting your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven." It is all truly amazing :)
In Young Women's today we talked about where we see ourselves in 10 to 40 years and as a laurel class, we all had the same answer. In forty years we desire to be mothers, women with their lives oriented around their families and the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Wow. :) It is so weird to think about. Me being a mom? Being a wife? Meeting a worthy priesthood holder, a return missionary, a Son of God who is going to take me to the temple! When and Where am I going to meet him? Because I NEED to look cute for this one! :) Out of all three of my relationships non of those guys have been someone who strengthens me and helps me build my testimony. Instead, they have all found some awful way to tear me down... and I am done. I will go on dates with but never actually date a non return missionary ever again. It is just way to stressful. I need someone who has already given two years to the Lord and sacrificed that time so they could be and do what their Heavenly Father desired of them. And didn't come home from their mission 21 months early like my ex decided to do. GAHHH! I wish I could smack him sometimes for being so of the world and only listening to the voices of men. But back to the topic... I love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for who I am because of the eternal principles I have learned. I love who I am and the fact that I know Why I am here, Where I came from, and Where I am going. My life experiences have shown me, taught me, built my testimony in knowing that I am a daughter of God, a daughter of a great and powerful king, and he loves me more than I can comprehend. He has sent me here for a divine purpose and If I live His gospel faithfully and fully all that my father has can be mine. So in the spirit of what the lesson was about in Young Women's today, I choose to live my life like the mother I wish to become, the wife I strive to be one day, and the kind of person I want so badly to marry. Arising, moving upward, or ascending to the temple. That is where we need to be. That is where I need to be and I pray for the guidance that I can receive through the Holy Ghost, because of my faithfulness and the beautiful power of the atonement, that every decision I make will lead me there.

If two past lovers remain friends, they are either still in love or never were.

I hate that he can call me and we can talk like we are best friends. I hate how happy I am when I talk to him. I hate how he makes me feel guilty for trying so hard to get over him. I hate that I have to pick up the phone every time I see that he is the one calling.... even though I tried changing his picture on my phone to something equivalent to "the worlds greatest loser." I hate how he makes me feel. I hate being strung along by him and so wrapped up in him. I hate! HATE! HATE! all the crap he put me through and all of the stupid emotional roller coasters I had to endure because he is so dang flip floppy on how he feels all the freaking time. He drives me crazy. I hate how I have been dating this guy and he doesn't compare to how I feel around him in the slightest. I hate the fact that I am not over him even though I say I am. I hate how jealous I am able to make him when I tell him I am dating other guys... because I love knowing that he is jealous. I hate how I know how wrong we are for each other and I hate how I sometimes wish we were still together. I hate how he is moving back to Colorado this summer and that we are going to be in same singles ward. I hate how badly I miss him. I hate how much I want to see him.

Valentines Day :)

As much as I complain about Valentines Day really being "Singles Awareness Day" I secretly love it. Although this year I didn't really have a Valentine, other than a card my friend gave me and some cookies dropped off at my door by the priest group, I love seeing all the flowers, balloons, and teddy bears being carted around by various people all day long because holidays are magical and amazing and I love hearing about cute, romantic stories :)

 These are some sugar cookies I made with my sister to celebrate the holiday :) 

Each and everyday I am learning more and more about what it means to live every day to the fullest, to not care what other people think, to be my own person, and experience life with a bright, happy, optimistic attitude. I am so grateful for the miracles that occur in my life and for the wonderful people that Heavenly Father has placed in my life. I love the design of my life and the opportunities that have been presented to me through my faith in all that Heavenly Father has in store for me :) 

Dear Time, Please Fast Forward.

I have been super stressed lately with school, work, and this weekend was just not a good one for me. My ex boyfriend was spending the weekend with his family two hours away from me and we were supposed to spend this weekend together and it was killing me. Today driving home from work I just felt like I needed to talk to him and no one else was answering their phones and so I called him.. and on one hand I am really glad that I did  because it felt like closure. I could feel that we had an actual friendship beyond our feelings for each other and we were both genuinely interested in what was going on in each others lives..... and talking to him made me happy but when I felt it was time to tell him I had to go I just wanted to be where he is. I miss him. I hate break- ups. They are ridiculously hard to deal with and they just suck and I just want time to jump forward to when I am completely over him and not only realize that our break up is a blessing in disguise but actually be able to feel it.

Also, this song is incredible:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHkvan-NFnM

Sadie Hawkins and Especially Cute Air Force Cadets :)

So a lot of my week has been about figuring out a date to prom and sadie hawkins because they are both just coming up so fast! I had a few different options regarding what I should do for sadies but I ended up asking a boy in my ward named Michael and this is how I did it.....

And my best friend over heard him and his brother trying to come up with ways to say yes!! :)
Oh by the way, that is a video of us hanging out as kids... in case you didn't already catch on :)

Also I highly recommend seeing The Vow

My mom was my Valentines date this year and because I have work Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday we decided to have our date tonight <3 It was the kind of movie that was so cute and wonderful that I didn't want it to end haha. Afterwards my mom and I went to a Mongolian grill for dinner and we saw AIR FORCE CADETS!! not just a few a whole pile of them! and one of them talked to me!! Okay I promise I am not obsessed with cadets.... well maybe just a little. Maybe it is the fact that I have lived right next door to the Air Force Academy my entire life and I have been taught at a very young age to drool over cadets because my older sister married one.... but I don't care. I will find my cadet to marry :) they are just so darn attractive. 

 

Yeah.... It is definitely the uniform :) 

Finding a Prom Date is Impossible When All The Good Guys Are Taken.

You know those days where everything is going great and then just... bam! the ex that you are ignoring texts you again to let you know just how much he doesn't care, and then you start crying because the truth is... you still care... a lot. You're just trying to do the right thing for yourself and your future. Well that was my day. and I hate it because I shouldn't care. But I do. I am still madly in love with who he was (not the selfish, arrogant, prideful, jerk he turned into after he ditched every bit of his morals, beliefs, and faith) Something that my Bishiop said to my Young Women's class that really made me want to turn my life in a different direction was "The decisions you are making right now are impacting your future, I beg you to know that."
So next on the list of things to do is find a prom date.... Or on second thought just abandon the entire notion of having a date. High school boys are dumb. And the ones that aren't dumb are taken.
For example, this guy right here:

 He is Funny, Amazing, Incredibly Attractive, and you guessed it girls... already in a relationship.

P.S. That is an actual Mormon guy I know that I have had a crush on for quite some time but I would never do anything about it because he has a girlfriend... and knows way to much about my recent relationship. 

Hi, My Name is Valerie

The year 2011 was a crazy year for me. On January 1st I started dating this guy who was leaving for his mission on July 27th. We dated and things got serious, so i decided to wait for him, and I was going to wait for him. I loved him and truly believed that he was the one. But then he came home on November 1st because he no longer believed in the Mormon church and things sort of just fell apart for me. The weekly letter and email writing stopped. The sending of packages and love notes was no longer. He was tainting my perspective of the Latter-day Saint church and my values were continually being tried and compromised. So I ended it. I stopped responding to texts and calls, I was done living in a world that made me feel so uncertain and insecure. I miss blogging and being excited about counting down days so I am starting a blog today for me because I have 100 days till I graduate high school and I intend on making them count :) I don't know what these next 100 days has in store for me and I don't know what those 50 days after graduation which will bring me to my 18th birthday will show, But I am ready to start the journey in discovering why I am a Mormon and why I have enough faith in this religion to say no to those who wish to destroy that part of me. This blog will be about my thoughts, talents, and days that I have been blessed with by my loving Heavenly Father, who never gave up on me even when I was finding excuses and reasons to leave and walk out on him. This is my life, my testimony, my sense of belonging, my knowing of the infinite worth I have, and my divine potential to live and become who I have been sent here to be. My name is Valerie and I am a Mormon.