In The Words of Mother Teresa...

"Write your plans in pencil, and then give God the eraser."

Remember the post I wrote more than a month ago about all the good guys being taken and a posted a picture of a guy I like but he has a girlfriend???
Well... I went to a dance last night and saw him there. Right when I walked in it was ladies choice so I went up to him and I asked him if he would dance with me :) We always get along so well and he is one of my absolute best friends. Anyways, I asked him how him and his girlfriend are  (who by the way is not lds) and he said "honestly, not that great."
Then I said: "Looking at you two as a complete outsider to the situation who is a complete 3rd party member (pfff not really haha) I saw you together with her on Friday and even though it was from a distance, I just knew you weren't happy. I saw what she was wearing (a immodest outfit) and I saw the way you were walking next to her and it all just didn't seem right"
He says "I haven't told anyone this but I hate the way she dresses."
and then we just talk about her about me about him about school about spring break about everything :)
Conversation for us just comes so easily and after a couple of slow songs later he is kinda holding my hand and we are hugging and he told me that he is crazy about me and I rock his world and then at the last slow song he pulled me in really close and said "Valerie, I really like you."
AWWWWWWWW! and
Oh! My! Gosh!
Do you know how many times I have walked past him and his girlfriend and started singing you belong with me with my best friend. More times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined! I am freaking out! I had no idea in the entire universe that this would happen!!!! I am so glad that this is happening!! Oh my gosh!!!! :D :D :D

One problem though.... Sam bought his plane ticket out here for prom already.
.... Oh did I mention yet that my parents hate him and will pay to change his ticket? yeah.... maybe this is Heavenly Fathers way of providing an entirely new unexpected option in my life. I wrote my plans in pencil to what I believed would make me the most happy, but then I gave God the eraser and he is drawing a picture that is beyond my wildest dreams :D

Finding the Inner Beauty In Life

Yesterday I had two choices in front of me. I could either just skip my Christian Bible study because I decided that the girls were mean, hypocritical, and not true friends: after all, I only had 61 days left until graduation and I would never even see them again.
Or. I could look at the situation in a whole new light, realize it might have been just a misunderstanding. Give these wonderful girls a second chance because, well, I only had 61 days left until graduation and I am going to miss them.
So I went with option number two and followed my heart all the way to Bible study and I am really glad that I did. We talked about inner beauty and what it means to truly be beautiful. Especially with warmer weather coming my way, that can also mean more insecurities when it comes to seeing that all the immodestly dressed girls are the ones who are getting the guys.  Whatever.
Anyways, coming home from Bible study I was in the really happy mood just listening to my country music and sitting at a stop light when some players from my high schools football team came right up next to me and they all waved to me :) It made me feel special :) haha
So today started off really great, I was feeling beautiful, happy, motivated. And then it happened. I saw my ex boyfriend with his girlfriend. blah. Now this is the ex boyfriend prior to Sam. It was a really terrible relationship and an even worse break up. I avoid him as much as possible and we broke up in October... 2 years ago. Seeing him sucks. and I hate how he still gets to me some days (some days he doesn't even phase me) but today he definitely did and I just felt ugly. I just wanted to go home and curl my hair or something haha. But instead I went to my seminary class :) We talked about the trials in our life, how the atonement can help us, and what Christ went through for each and everyone of us. I admit it, I cried.
So to follow this next portion of my day you should know that Claire's is never giving me real hours. I only get on call hours and it is awful. But the deli that I work at gives me fifteen to twenty-five hours a week (got my first pay check today! cha-ching!!) Well I was faced with another choice. I was on call for Claire's tonight for two hours (Claire's never actually calls) or I had a real five hours at the deli. What would you do? Well I went with the deli. And after five hours of work I checked my phone to find I had a voice mail from Claire's. UH-OH! There was absolutely, positively, no way in the world I was going to check that voice mail all alone in my car in a dark parking lot. No way! So I went home and in the comforts of my parents bed made my mommy call my voice mail, put the phone on speaker-phone, and hold it. Well, I was right. Claire's did not need me to work. However, they need me to work on Sunday. My initial reaction was complete and utter relief. I figured one Sunday wouldn't be bad. I could go to an earlier sacrament meeting and get paid a whole 80 cents more an hour that I do at the deli. But as time slowly went on... the more uneasy I felt with working on Sunday. Here I have two options. I can keep the Sabbath day holy or I can choose to make an exception. Choose to lower my standards just this once. Choose to settle for the hours they give me, when they want to give them to me, at their beckoning call.
No.
I have made the decision that I am going to call tomorrow morning and I am going to quit.
Yes, at the end of the day the deli I work at is in the food industry, and yes it is 80 cents less an hour. But through prayer and thought I realized that I can't put a price on my standards. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me because I have a job that gives me hours and works really well with my schedule. I have a job where my manager is incredible. He is nice and today guess what he said! He said, "Valerie, I am really impressed with you and your work ethic. I really like you." :) made my night :)
I am making an adult decision, one that I know my Heavenly Father is aware of and I am grateful for the thoughts and feelings that I have had today as the Holy Ghost has guided and directed my path towards choosing to keep the Sabbath day holy.

Sense of Belonging

Today was my second day off from school and it was not as happy as yesterday. I had plans with these girls to hang out and they kinda just blew me off. So I went to a different High School's seminary class to do something with my day and I am really glad I went. We talked about the story of Job and finding the silver lining in the storms of life. At the end of the very powerful lesson the class was each given a sticky note to write a trial that we were going through and stick it on the wall that the teacher had a cool name for. On my sticky note I wrote something like: "Recent events have caused me to want to leave the church. I don't feel like I belong here. I am not sure I belong anywhere." I don't have real LDS friends, the Christian girls that I thought were my friends hung out today without me. My boyfriend and I broke up over a matter of faith. Where do I go? What friends do I choose? Where do I belong?

Anyways, after that seminary class I spent some quality time with my mom picking out new make up and nail polish at Ulta which is always fun :)

and then we went to go visit my aunt who has had a lot of hard trials recently. My uncle left her for another women, she just broke her ankle pretty badly so she has a lot of medical debt, and she literally has like no money so she lives in this tiny apartment. So I brought my toy poodle Penny over and walked her and my aunt's poodle mix :) and then I was able to talk with my aunt for another two hours :) Which brings me back to the initial topic at hand, sense of belonging. I know that my aunt feels like she doesn't belong on this earth.. but she does because she belongs in my family and she belongs in my life as someone I respect, admire, look up to, as questions for help, love. She does belong and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to show her that today just by spending time with her. 

When I got home from that my brother, his wife, and two kids were over just hanging out with the rest of my siblings at home. Did I mention yet that I am the seventh of nine kids??? Well I am :) haha and I have One brother-in-law, two sisters-in-law, four nieces, and four nephews. Yepp. Well my sister in law asked me what is going on with boys in my life right now. I told her about how Sam is going to ask me to prom, but I could honestly say that it doesn't mean I like anyone right now. No guy at my high school, no guy who goes to my ward, no guy who is even in my life is really worth dating or even liking. I graduate in 62 to days and I turn 18 years old about 2 months after that and I am so incredibly ready to move on. I want to go on dates with new guys, make new friends, experience life without holding on to the people in my past who aren't even worth holding onto. Yes, Sam is my friend and my senior prom date. However, after taking a good hard long look at the situation. I don't want to date him again. I won't. I can't. I am ready for a fresh start with someone new in about four months :) I think that is plenty of time to enjoy being single before I start dating more :) I pray that when I turn eighteen, move out, go to college, enter the singles ward. Maybe I will come closer to understanding who I am, what I believe, and where I belong. :) 

A Day Off :)

This week my high school is doing standardized testing today and tomorrow... lucky for me there is no need for me to take this awful test because I am graduating :) So I have today and tomorrow off :) I took this lovely opportunity to take my sister Julie to The Lorax movie! I am not sure if I have really talked a lot about my sister Julie but she has Downs Syndrome and is a complete ray of sunshine in my life :) She is the reason why I want to become a special education teacher. I love LOVE LOVE spending time with her because she is just so  much fun to be around and she makes everyday truly special and magical :) 

We went on a walk with my adorable little toy poodle named Penny, enjoyed a movie together, did some light shopping, and went to her favorite frozen yogurt place :) and she is just so happy all the time :) 

When we are in the car she likes to sing at the top of her lungs with the windows down, my kind of girl :)

Also, today it was super warm outside!! So I felt the need to buy sandals and toe rings!! :) I am so excited! :)

The Art of Having Absolutely No Social Life.

Get a job. Better yet, get two jobs. Get over your senioritis and go to school everyday all day. Do your homework. Study... a lot.  And make sure to pick up extra shifts when others call into work sick.
This is my life right now and I am absolutely exhausted but it has been so worth it! :)
Yesterday I worked from 10am to 1030pm because one of my co-workers called in sick so I took her shift and I don't think I ever want to work a twelve 1/2 hour day straight through ever again haha I was so cranky by the end of the night.

The point to telling everyone this is during my 30 minute break I sat down at a table looked out the window and saw this:

 This is the Colorado Springs Air Force Academy. It is absolutely beautiful and I love looking at it because so many wonderful memories are tied to it. and I know that I will have a lot of great future memories tied to it.Also.. I love when cute cadets come into my work with their friends and flirt with me... it makes being at work so worth it :)  I don't know if you have ever seen them but the Colorado Springs Rocky Mountains are absolutely breath taking and I get to look at them every day :) I know this sounds stupid but one of the reasons why I am staying in Colorado Springs for my first year of college is because one day when I was pondering and praying as to where I should go or what I should do... I looked at the mountains and knew that Colorado Springs is where I belonged. 

These are all pictures I have taken from my own camera just on the main road by my house :)

I love Colorado!

Forget the Risk. Take the Fall. If it is What You Want, Then it is Worth it All.

So I thought that my ex boyfriend found out that I had a blog so I made it private for a few days... but turns out, he has still no clue. So hello again :)

Junior Prom :) 

How has my life changed in the past 2 days? Oh I don't know.... Maybe it is because I found out that my ex boyfriend is asking me to prom. He already bought his plane ticket out here and everything. WHAT THE HECK??! and WHY AM I SO EXCITED??????!!! I don't know whether or not I should have you slap me or celebrate with me. I can not wait to go to prom with him. Just can't :) I know I am in la-la land right now and I am not thinking very straight. But I miss that boy so much and even though it is just strictly a friend date. I seriously can't think of anyone I would have more fun with. Remember how I am always talking about how we get along so well and at the end of the day he is one of my best friends (even though I want to slap him for some of the choices he makes) It's true. So am I going to say yes? Am I going to say no? I don't know. He kinda already bought the plane ticket and he kinda already asked my sister if he could stay with her family and he is kinda already making plans to ask me. This is probably one of the dumbest things I will ever say but... I am going to close my eyes and go for it!

Tonight, We Are Young :)

I ended up sending that letter to my ex but I took out ALL of the mushy gushy I love you stuff, I am glad that I did :)
Also, I decided that I hate lunch rush hour or whatever it is called. It is frustrating and chaotic and I really didn't like the people I was working with yesterday. bleh :( Whatever... When I got home I was so stressed out because my shift ended at 3 but the girl that I was working with FORGOT to do her task sheet, she told me about this about a half an hour before I was supposed to be done for the day... which meant I got to stay at work for a whole extra 30 minutes. And then looking at the schedule for this week my manager forgot that I don't want to work Sunday's and he put me down to work for today... so I had to get that all cleared up. Just a little frustrating. I just hate feeling like an incompetent idiot and that was exactly how I felt yesterday.
With my work day aside I actually had a really incredible day though :) Yesterday was Sadies and my date and I went as superheros (the theme being when I grow up) and we looked pretty classy if I do say so myself :) It was the perfect date because we were just friends and so I had someone to dance with during the slow songs but then for all of the fast songs I had all of my best friends there jamming out with me, it was great :) It was interesting though. I was in the middle of three groups that were all right next to each other. There was the Mormon group that I came with, the one I kinda felt like I fit in for... but then again, not at all. The girls that I have Christian Bible study with who were a lot of fun but didn't seem to be having that much fun. And there was my non-LDS friends (which are my absolute best friends) who sometimes can get a little out of hand with the dancing. For example one of my best guy friends stripped down during the song "I'm Sexy and I know it" So I am not sure If I really fit in with them either. Even though all three of these groups I could call my friends and I tried to be with each group equally... I wasn't really sure which group was best for me. It was as if each different group showed a different side of who I am. The LDS group was about watching the best dancers in the group show of and everyone just stand in circle around them not sure of really what to do, which got boring quick but that was me being apart of the bubble that I grew up in. Self-conscious, not wanting to do anything that people would judge me for, Mormon me. The Christian girls who I love were going through the motions but didn't really seem to be enjoying themselves because they didn't have dates. Strictly Christian boys at my school either don't really have standards, have to high of standards, or simple don't exist. In that group I was Christian girl Valerie. The Valerie who is just with my girls because boys are stupid. My Non-LDS friends were kinda going crazy.. and that was crazy Valerie. (Don't get me wrong.. I have never ever ever grinned in my entire life) But that was Valerie who didn't care what my friends thought of me because they were having just as much of a great time just being themselves. Which specific Valerie is actually me? I don't know. Maybe non of them. Maybe all of them combined. Maybe I am still figuring that out.
I can't help but feel I am a little awkward though. Sometimes I say stupid things or do stupid things and I don't know why. I think I am just bad at group dating because I am so not used to it. I am way better at single dating with guys who I have an actual interest in. Is that wierd? Then I actually think before I talk and plan my actions out before I do them so I don't end up looking so... blonde. I am sure I am just thinking way to hard about this though.
Overall though I am so incredibly glad that I asked  the date that I did and I had a blast. My last Sadies dance of High School and I made it count :)