Only 6 actually days of High School left? Wait. What?

Life has been moving extremely fast lately and I don't know whether I am scared out of my mind or jumping for joy excited. Of course I always knew that I was graduating in the middle of May, but at the beginning of this week it REALLY clicked that I am about to graduate. I am never going to be a high school student ever again. Holy Cow! Although I am scared about whether or not I am going to fit in, how I am going to pay for things, adjust to a independent lifestyle, take on a lot more responsibilities.... I am also incredibly excited for the opportunities that are coming up soon :)

In some weird way I feel like life is actually starting for me. I know there is so much ahead for me to accomplish. So many dreams I have had for years of growing up and chasing after my goals in life... well it is all starting to kick off. 

This Sunday I am going to the CES Fireside. June 1st I have Freshman Orientation, July 1st I start attending the Singles Ward. 

and for whatever crazy, totally out there reason... I feel ready :) 

Oh, and about Prom.... yeah I am finally ready to talk about it. It was awful!!!!! 

Let me explain....

No one asked me. It's cool I am over it now. Anyways, my mom thought that asking the awkward nerdy kid in my brothers ward would be a good idea because he doesn't have any friends. Well in her defense all we knew was that he didn't have any friends... but we should have just assumed that it was because he was awkward and nerdy. Anyways, the night of prom arrived and although my friends and I were being really nice to him, trying to include him in on conversation and have fun with the group, he didn't know how to handle the social situation and ended up going home in the middle of dinner. 

No guys to talk about either.. cause they are kind of jerks. just saying. 

I just got out of this "fling" with this guy because I found out that he had a girlfriend. So basically he was pursuing me and lying to me to find out if I was a better catch than his sweet girlfriend. 

To end on a lighter note though! I am teaching two classes this Sunday! :) My gospel principles class during second hour and I am substitute teaching the sunbeams during third hour!!! I am going to be the best sunbeams teacher ever!! :) So excited! 

Well anyways, only 12 more days until graduation!!

kinda nervous, a little excited :)

I admit it... I am freaking out a little... I graduate in 30 days and I am kinda scared. Not scared to graduate or go to college but scared to start real dating.. If you know me at all you understand that fact that I am really boy crazy and being single for me is kinda strange. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't have it any other way right now because I feel like being single is what I need, but when I turn 18 in the beginning of July I want boys to notice me but what if they don't? What if I get stood up a lot if guys even ask me out at all? or worse what if I start dating a guy and it ends really badly and I just want to move away? From what I can tell the singles ward that I am going into and the institute that I am starting up with my college has cute guys... but all of these cute guys are taken.. I don't know! I should just take a deep breath and remember that Heavenly Father has a story written out for me and all I need to do is trust it. I'm just really nervous :/

I just want to graduate so badly!! It has gotten to the point where graduation is pretty much the only thing ever on my mind. 

30 more days until graduation

80 more days until my 18th birthday

I've got this!! :) 

Prayer is a Funny Thing....

First I was praying that Heavenly Father would soften my parents hearts towards the idea of Sam coming to Colorado to be my prom date....
and then he answered my prayers by showing me that Sam was not good for me and that I should tell him to change his plane ticket.
I thought a part of this answer to my prayers Heavenly Father was providing me with CJ to go to prom with...
I prayed that CJ would ask me....
and then CJ told me that he couldn't take me to prom because of money reasons and his parents objections... and then he got a new girlfriend to ask to prom....
I prayed for a new prom date
I prayed that it would work out with my sister's neighbor
I prayed that a friend would notice me
And then I went to my brother's house and he happened to know some priests that would take me to prom. I only found one of the facebook profiles out of all the guys we tried to look up
I prayed that he would be at church the next day...
He was blessing the sacrament.
I prayed that it wouldn't be awkward
It was haha
Today I almost stood him up because I was afraid that it would be weird and I am not going to lie he is a little strange....
I almost canceled. But then I prayed...
I don't know the twist and the turns of my life but I know that the Lord's hand is in my life. Tonight I went on a date with the answers to my prayers and although he is JUST A FRIEND. (I don't think of him romantically at all) I got to know a Son of God who has a pure heart, who is a genuine guy, a gentleman, and yes although a little odd.... someone I can really talk to and instead of looking at me as a hot date... he looked at me as a person and because of him I felt valued. Heavenly Father hears and answered my prayers. It is almost never in the way I expect him to but he is ALWAYS there :)

Men Are Stupid.

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

Well today was a pretty normal day... until I was talking with some friends before second period and new guy (Heck I am just going to say his name!) CJ saw me and totally did an "oh crap! avoid! avoid! avoid!" U-turn. Oh my Goodness!!!! Ugghh! What in the world did I do so wrong that he now feels the need to freaking avoid me?!?!? and then after class I passed him on the way to lunch and he definitively avoided eye contact. I am sorry but I was furious! I did absolutely nothing to deserve being treated like this. So I did what I do best. I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings. I knew that it would make me feel better if I wrote it all out in a mature way about how he was making me feel. I said something kinda like this:


"CJ,
I am sorry that life is hard right now and I am sorry if I did anything to add to feelings of being overwhelmed. I just want you to do what is best for you. I realize that because of the circumstances that you need time and space and you wont be able to honor your initial offer in taking me to prom. However, I still stand by the fact that I am so thankful that we had a "thing" the way we did when he did. Otherwise I would still be going to prom with Sam and he was a poison to my life. I understand and I promise that I wont be mad if you don't ask me to prom or even if you ask someone else entirely. But don't be a stranger! I still really care about you as a friend. I am sorry if this letter is overly long or overly emotional I just wanted to make sure that we are on the same page and that when we see each other no feelings of awkwardness or pain need to arise. CJ your Heavenly Father loves you, go to Him in your times of trial and through Him you will receive strength. Always remember that Jesus Christ not only died for your sins but also knows your pains, your regrets, your hard times. You are a valued Son of God and He loves you. You will always have a friend in me! :)
Wishing you the best!
Valerie"


So I intercepted him at the beginning of his lunch and skipped my class. He read the note in front of me. My heart was beating so fast. After he read the note he said "We need to talk." He told me that he was taking the break up harder than he expected, how his parents were having a hard time with money and he's not sure he is going to be able to afford prom. He told me that he really wanted to take me to prom. He said he was going to talk to his parents tonight about it. I sympathized with him. I can relate to money problems and bad break ups. However I also told him that he can't just pretend like I am invisible and just drop off of the face of the planet. I told him that he only had one more chance. I told him that I would happy to go on a different date and have our own prom. He told me he was going to call or text me tonight.... it is 8:46 and he still hasn't called....................................


I am giving him until 10 and then I am done.


Prom is only two and half weeks away and I really don't want to drag this out. And what if he goes to prom with me and then just has his eyes on his ex-girlfriend the ENTIRE time? I mean she is trying to get his best friend to go with her... if that was my situation it would hurt and I would constantly be watching my ex. If he ends up saying that he can go I am going to ask if seeing his ex there with another date is going to hurt him.. if so I can't do it. If he can't go maybe I'll try to find another date.
Honestly, this hurts.
Why can he be so sweet and soul bearing one moment
and then the next moment
he is cold and distant.
His second chance has almost expired but then I have to let go of the prospect of him being my date because I don't deserve this.

Life Doesn't Always Turn Out The Way You Want It To.....

Sometimes It Turns Out Better :)
I know I have been missing for a while! I have been super busy with work, school, and life.
I have been having a really hard time lately keeping up with everything. Work was consuming my life. I was exhausted ALL THE TIME. I was always crying, over emotional, worn out, simply because of the fact that I was seriously sleep deprived (and still am) So after a lot of prayer, consideration, thought, talking with people I decided that today was going to be the day.... I quit my job.
and I am SO GLAD that I did!
I now have 42 days until I graduate high school. Only 42 more days of being a senior in high school and I know that I don't want to let that slip away from me. I guess it just wasn't the right job, the right timing, the right hours.  Don't get me wrong though, this was an extremely hard decision. I had times of feeling like a failure because I can't do it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough when it comes to work and especially school.... oh and boys. But after a lot of prayer and talking to my mom about things, I feel great about myself! I don't have to feel like I am giving up because I'm not. I just want to make room in my life to enjoy life :) Okay I am done justifying myself even though I probably don't need to haha
May I just say that Boys are Jerks. New guy changed his mind about taking me to prom..... yeah...... he is just having a really hard time right now and a lot is going on his life and really, I am not mad at him. Just the whole situation is just really heartbreaking. I feel so stupid because I was so convinced that he came into my life to get me away from Sam and to be my prom date. We made that decision on the same day and I guess I was the only one to follow through... the worst part is he wasn't even going to tell me... he was just going to leave me to wonder what happened and why he wasn't asking me to prom. I understand that he is hurting because of his recent break up... but really? He couldn't have told me? Flaky Coward.
Okay I'm sorry that was mean..... I'll get over it. I don't need a  date to my senior prom.... I will live. Still though I am so incredibly grateful that he did come into my life when he did the way he did... because then I would have never had Sam change his plane ticket. I would still be talking to the guy who I really cared about but he only saw me as a pity date and I am so much more valuable than that! I wish I could press fast forward. ugghh!!!
Oh I forgot to mention, when I resigned from work today my manager was super nice about it! He told me that if I needed a letter of recommendation or a job go to him because he loves me :) I love him :) That went so much better than I could have ever hoped for :)
So yeah :) Right now I kinda feel invincible. I feel like partying. I feel like jumping up and down. I feel like going out and spending time with my friends. I love my friends :)
Yesterday I was an absolute mess. I couldn't stop crying due to the fact that I was exhausted, I didn't really enjoy my Spring break, new guy had been avoiding me for a week, it was freezing outside, I was sick (I called in sick to work), mostly though I think it was because I just started my period. I hate admitting this but I am an emotional wreck on the first couple days of my period. I was on the phone with my best friend just crying and then my door bell rings and it was her at my door with flowers and a hug <3 She is awesome!
Well I guess that is all for today :) only 17ish days until prom so I will keep you all updated on my prom date... or lack there of :)

In The Words of Mother Teresa...

"Write your plans in pencil, and then give God the eraser."

Remember the post I wrote more than a month ago about all the good guys being taken and a posted a picture of a guy I like but he has a girlfriend???
Well... I went to a dance last night and saw him there. Right when I walked in it was ladies choice so I went up to him and I asked him if he would dance with me :) We always get along so well and he is one of my absolute best friends. Anyways, I asked him how him and his girlfriend are  (who by the way is not lds) and he said "honestly, not that great."
Then I said: "Looking at you two as a complete outsider to the situation who is a complete 3rd party member (pfff not really haha) I saw you together with her on Friday and even though it was from a distance, I just knew you weren't happy. I saw what she was wearing (a immodest outfit) and I saw the way you were walking next to her and it all just didn't seem right"
He says "I haven't told anyone this but I hate the way she dresses."
and then we just talk about her about me about him about school about spring break about everything :)
Conversation for us just comes so easily and after a couple of slow songs later he is kinda holding my hand and we are hugging and he told me that he is crazy about me and I rock his world and then at the last slow song he pulled me in really close and said "Valerie, I really like you."
AWWWWWWWW! and
Oh! My! Gosh!
Do you know how many times I have walked past him and his girlfriend and started singing you belong with me with my best friend. More times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined! I am freaking out! I had no idea in the entire universe that this would happen!!!! I am so glad that this is happening!! Oh my gosh!!!! :D :D :D

One problem though.... Sam bought his plane ticket out here for prom already.
.... Oh did I mention yet that my parents hate him and will pay to change his ticket? yeah.... maybe this is Heavenly Fathers way of providing an entirely new unexpected option in my life. I wrote my plans in pencil to what I believed would make me the most happy, but then I gave God the eraser and he is drawing a picture that is beyond my wildest dreams :D

Finding the Inner Beauty In Life

Yesterday I had two choices in front of me. I could either just skip my Christian Bible study because I decided that the girls were mean, hypocritical, and not true friends: after all, I only had 61 days left until graduation and I would never even see them again.
Or. I could look at the situation in a whole new light, realize it might have been just a misunderstanding. Give these wonderful girls a second chance because, well, I only had 61 days left until graduation and I am going to miss them.
So I went with option number two and followed my heart all the way to Bible study and I am really glad that I did. We talked about inner beauty and what it means to truly be beautiful. Especially with warmer weather coming my way, that can also mean more insecurities when it comes to seeing that all the immodestly dressed girls are the ones who are getting the guys.  Whatever.
Anyways, coming home from Bible study I was in the really happy mood just listening to my country music and sitting at a stop light when some players from my high schools football team came right up next to me and they all waved to me :) It made me feel special :) haha
So today started off really great, I was feeling beautiful, happy, motivated. And then it happened. I saw my ex boyfriend with his girlfriend. blah. Now this is the ex boyfriend prior to Sam. It was a really terrible relationship and an even worse break up. I avoid him as much as possible and we broke up in October... 2 years ago. Seeing him sucks. and I hate how he still gets to me some days (some days he doesn't even phase me) but today he definitely did and I just felt ugly. I just wanted to go home and curl my hair or something haha. But instead I went to my seminary class :) We talked about the trials in our life, how the atonement can help us, and what Christ went through for each and everyone of us. I admit it, I cried.
So to follow this next portion of my day you should know that Claire's is never giving me real hours. I only get on call hours and it is awful. But the deli that I work at gives me fifteen to twenty-five hours a week (got my first pay check today! cha-ching!!) Well I was faced with another choice. I was on call for Claire's tonight for two hours (Claire's never actually calls) or I had a real five hours at the deli. What would you do? Well I went with the deli. And after five hours of work I checked my phone to find I had a voice mail from Claire's. UH-OH! There was absolutely, positively, no way in the world I was going to check that voice mail all alone in my car in a dark parking lot. No way! So I went home and in the comforts of my parents bed made my mommy call my voice mail, put the phone on speaker-phone, and hold it. Well, I was right. Claire's did not need me to work. However, they need me to work on Sunday. My initial reaction was complete and utter relief. I figured one Sunday wouldn't be bad. I could go to an earlier sacrament meeting and get paid a whole 80 cents more an hour that I do at the deli. But as time slowly went on... the more uneasy I felt with working on Sunday. Here I have two options. I can keep the Sabbath day holy or I can choose to make an exception. Choose to lower my standards just this once. Choose to settle for the hours they give me, when they want to give them to me, at their beckoning call.
No.
I have made the decision that I am going to call tomorrow morning and I am going to quit.
Yes, at the end of the day the deli I work at is in the food industry, and yes it is 80 cents less an hour. But through prayer and thought I realized that I can't put a price on my standards. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me because I have a job that gives me hours and works really well with my schedule. I have a job where my manager is incredible. He is nice and today guess what he said! He said, "Valerie, I am really impressed with you and your work ethic. I really like you." :) made my night :)
I am making an adult decision, one that I know my Heavenly Father is aware of and I am grateful for the thoughts and feelings that I have had today as the Holy Ghost has guided and directed my path towards choosing to keep the Sabbath day holy.

Sense of Belonging

Today was my second day off from school and it was not as happy as yesterday. I had plans with these girls to hang out and they kinda just blew me off. So I went to a different High School's seminary class to do something with my day and I am really glad I went. We talked about the story of Job and finding the silver lining in the storms of life. At the end of the very powerful lesson the class was each given a sticky note to write a trial that we were going through and stick it on the wall that the teacher had a cool name for. On my sticky note I wrote something like: "Recent events have caused me to want to leave the church. I don't feel like I belong here. I am not sure I belong anywhere." I don't have real LDS friends, the Christian girls that I thought were my friends hung out today without me. My boyfriend and I broke up over a matter of faith. Where do I go? What friends do I choose? Where do I belong?

Anyways, after that seminary class I spent some quality time with my mom picking out new make up and nail polish at Ulta which is always fun :)

and then we went to go visit my aunt who has had a lot of hard trials recently. My uncle left her for another women, she just broke her ankle pretty badly so she has a lot of medical debt, and she literally has like no money so she lives in this tiny apartment. So I brought my toy poodle Penny over and walked her and my aunt's poodle mix :) and then I was able to talk with my aunt for another two hours :) Which brings me back to the initial topic at hand, sense of belonging. I know that my aunt feels like she doesn't belong on this earth.. but she does because she belongs in my family and she belongs in my life as someone I respect, admire, look up to, as questions for help, love. She does belong and I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to show her that today just by spending time with her. 

When I got home from that my brother, his wife, and two kids were over just hanging out with the rest of my siblings at home. Did I mention yet that I am the seventh of nine kids??? Well I am :) haha and I have One brother-in-law, two sisters-in-law, four nieces, and four nephews. Yepp. Well my sister in law asked me what is going on with boys in my life right now. I told her about how Sam is going to ask me to prom, but I could honestly say that it doesn't mean I like anyone right now. No guy at my high school, no guy who goes to my ward, no guy who is even in my life is really worth dating or even liking. I graduate in 62 to days and I turn 18 years old about 2 months after that and I am so incredibly ready to move on. I want to go on dates with new guys, make new friends, experience life without holding on to the people in my past who aren't even worth holding onto. Yes, Sam is my friend and my senior prom date. However, after taking a good hard long look at the situation. I don't want to date him again. I won't. I can't. I am ready for a fresh start with someone new in about four months :) I think that is plenty of time to enjoy being single before I start dating more :) I pray that when I turn eighteen, move out, go to college, enter the singles ward. Maybe I will come closer to understanding who I am, what I believe, and where I belong. :) 

A Day Off :)

This week my high school is doing standardized testing today and tomorrow... lucky for me there is no need for me to take this awful test because I am graduating :) So I have today and tomorrow off :) I took this lovely opportunity to take my sister Julie to The Lorax movie! I am not sure if I have really talked a lot about my sister Julie but she has Downs Syndrome and is a complete ray of sunshine in my life :) She is the reason why I want to become a special education teacher. I love LOVE LOVE spending time with her because she is just so  much fun to be around and she makes everyday truly special and magical :) 

We went on a walk with my adorable little toy poodle named Penny, enjoyed a movie together, did some light shopping, and went to her favorite frozen yogurt place :) and she is just so happy all the time :) 

When we are in the car she likes to sing at the top of her lungs with the windows down, my kind of girl :)

Also, today it was super warm outside!! So I felt the need to buy sandals and toe rings!! :) I am so excited! :)

The Art of Having Absolutely No Social Life.

Get a job. Better yet, get two jobs. Get over your senioritis and go to school everyday all day. Do your homework. Study... a lot.  And make sure to pick up extra shifts when others call into work sick.
This is my life right now and I am absolutely exhausted but it has been so worth it! :)
Yesterday I worked from 10am to 1030pm because one of my co-workers called in sick so I took her shift and I don't think I ever want to work a twelve 1/2 hour day straight through ever again haha I was so cranky by the end of the night.

The point to telling everyone this is during my 30 minute break I sat down at a table looked out the window and saw this:

 This is the Colorado Springs Air Force Academy. It is absolutely beautiful and I love looking at it because so many wonderful memories are tied to it. and I know that I will have a lot of great future memories tied to it.Also.. I love when cute cadets come into my work with their friends and flirt with me... it makes being at work so worth it :)  I don't know if you have ever seen them but the Colorado Springs Rocky Mountains are absolutely breath taking and I get to look at them every day :) I know this sounds stupid but one of the reasons why I am staying in Colorado Springs for my first year of college is because one day when I was pondering and praying as to where I should go or what I should do... I looked at the mountains and knew that Colorado Springs is where I belonged. 

These are all pictures I have taken from my own camera just on the main road by my house :)

I love Colorado!

Forget the Risk. Take the Fall. If it is What You Want, Then it is Worth it All.

So I thought that my ex boyfriend found out that I had a blog so I made it private for a few days... but turns out, he has still no clue. So hello again :)

Junior Prom :) 

How has my life changed in the past 2 days? Oh I don't know.... Maybe it is because I found out that my ex boyfriend is asking me to prom. He already bought his plane ticket out here and everything. WHAT THE HECK??! and WHY AM I SO EXCITED??????!!! I don't know whether or not I should have you slap me or celebrate with me. I can not wait to go to prom with him. Just can't :) I know I am in la-la land right now and I am not thinking very straight. But I miss that boy so much and even though it is just strictly a friend date. I seriously can't think of anyone I would have more fun with. Remember how I am always talking about how we get along so well and at the end of the day he is one of my best friends (even though I want to slap him for some of the choices he makes) It's true. So am I going to say yes? Am I going to say no? I don't know. He kinda already bought the plane ticket and he kinda already asked my sister if he could stay with her family and he is kinda already making plans to ask me. This is probably one of the dumbest things I will ever say but... I am going to close my eyes and go for it!

Tonight, We Are Young :)

I ended up sending that letter to my ex but I took out ALL of the mushy gushy I love you stuff, I am glad that I did :)
Also, I decided that I hate lunch rush hour or whatever it is called. It is frustrating and chaotic and I really didn't like the people I was working with yesterday. bleh :( Whatever... When I got home I was so stressed out because my shift ended at 3 but the girl that I was working with FORGOT to do her task sheet, she told me about this about a half an hour before I was supposed to be done for the day... which meant I got to stay at work for a whole extra 30 minutes. And then looking at the schedule for this week my manager forgot that I don't want to work Sunday's and he put me down to work for today... so I had to get that all cleared up. Just a little frustrating. I just hate feeling like an incompetent idiot and that was exactly how I felt yesterday.
With my work day aside I actually had a really incredible day though :) Yesterday was Sadies and my date and I went as superheros (the theme being when I grow up) and we looked pretty classy if I do say so myself :) It was the perfect date because we were just friends and so I had someone to dance with during the slow songs but then for all of the fast songs I had all of my best friends there jamming out with me, it was great :) It was interesting though. I was in the middle of three groups that were all right next to each other. There was the Mormon group that I came with, the one I kinda felt like I fit in for... but then again, not at all. The girls that I have Christian Bible study with who were a lot of fun but didn't seem to be having that much fun. And there was my non-LDS friends (which are my absolute best friends) who sometimes can get a little out of hand with the dancing. For example one of my best guy friends stripped down during the song "I'm Sexy and I know it" So I am not sure If I really fit in with them either. Even though all three of these groups I could call my friends and I tried to be with each group equally... I wasn't really sure which group was best for me. It was as if each different group showed a different side of who I am. The LDS group was about watching the best dancers in the group show of and everyone just stand in circle around them not sure of really what to do, which got boring quick but that was me being apart of the bubble that I grew up in. Self-conscious, not wanting to do anything that people would judge me for, Mormon me. The Christian girls who I love were going through the motions but didn't really seem to be enjoying themselves because they didn't have dates. Strictly Christian boys at my school either don't really have standards, have to high of standards, or simple don't exist. In that group I was Christian girl Valerie. The Valerie who is just with my girls because boys are stupid. My Non-LDS friends were kinda going crazy.. and that was crazy Valerie. (Don't get me wrong.. I have never ever ever grinned in my entire life) But that was Valerie who didn't care what my friends thought of me because they were having just as much of a great time just being themselves. Which specific Valerie is actually me? I don't know. Maybe non of them. Maybe all of them combined. Maybe I am still figuring that out.
I can't help but feel I am a little awkward though. Sometimes I say stupid things or do stupid things and I don't know why. I think I am just bad at group dating because I am so not used to it. I am way better at single dating with guys who I have an actual interest in. Is that wierd? Then I actually think before I talk and plan my actions out before I do them so I don't end up looking so... blonde. I am sure I am just thinking way to hard about this though.
Overall though I am so incredibly glad that I asked  the date that I did and I had a blast. My last Sadies dance of High School and I made it count :)

These Things I'll Never Say

Dear Sam, 

I believe that every individual no matter their race, religion, gender, or even sexual orientation is a child of God. With this noble birth right comes a divinity that is beyond our comprehension. A connection that binds us to who we are as people, as sons and daughters of God. I believe that their are good works that have been set before us by our Father in Heaven and it is our duty to bless the lives of others through the example of Christ or the spirit of charity. I know that no one is perfect and because of this we have the Atonement. I believe that we all have the power to choose between right and wrong, but it will be our choices that determine the kind people we are and the kinds of people we associate with. I believe that we are forever changing as the world around us changes with each passing moment. I believe in faith. With out faith, this world would be hopeless. I believe in living each day to the fullest, being kind others, and helping those in need. Most importantly, I believe in love. The love that God has for each of his children, the way He blesses our lives that is so unique and important us in the tiniest of things. The love that a mother has for her child. The love that a son has for his father. The feeling that you get when the boy you love kisses you when you expected it to never happen :) The love that leads you to wait for someone because you know how perfect you are for each other. Even if it is just waiting for them to realize it. I believe in you. I always have. Since the day I have met you I knew you were someone special. Someone I needed in my life. and I believe in miracles. 

Truly Yours,

Valerie

p.s. I believe that we belong together. 

My Ex-Boyfriend is Bipolar.

Alright! Sam (my ex boyfriend.. I hardly ever use his actual name anymore) can sometimes be my best friend and then sometimes make it seem like he wants nothing to do with me. Yesterday morning he texted me and was really weird about it. Basically saying, I am texting you to text you but I can't actually talk right now or don't want to talk right now. I don't know.. So I just ignored him. Then he texts me later about glee... and I am not about to sit there and talk to him about glee. I forget he even texted me, go to work, and when I get off of work I have a voice mail from him about how he misses me and he really needs to talk to me and he told me some lame joke and I am weak so I called him back. I hate how well we get along. I hate how we talk like we are best friends. I was driving home and I told myself the second I got home that I would make up an excuse of  how I needed to get off the phone. So I stopped at all the yellow lights. I NEED TO GET OVER HIM!!! It's weird though.. When I talk to him I don't feel sad about what we lost anymore, I am just happy for what we have. 
Today there was a morning side for the youth in my ward (kinda like a fireside but in the morning) and I showed up a half an hour late because I wanted to get out of the before lesson socializing.. but I didn't get the memo that they were skipping that today so I just looked like an idiot showing up a half an hour late. Oh and I was supposed to bring muffins... I definitely did not bring muffins. awkward. haha
I get home from this at around 10:30 am and don't have to leave for church until 12:30 so I went to drop off some movies that I rented last night and to go visit my sister. I decided to bring my little toy poodle with me... bad idea. unfortunately she got car sick all over my dress. lovely. And then I get a call from a deli that I interviewed with a month ago and I didn't ever hear back from them and I am so focused on the fact that I smell gross that I agree to a final interview for 5:00 pm. I soon after kicked myself for forgetting it was Sunday and went back to being grossed out.
**SIDE NOTE: I currently am a sales associate at Claire's but I never and I mean NEVER get real hours there. I work 0 to 3 to 5 hours a week or a month. and I hate it!! but they put me on call (their beckoning call) all the time. uggh. So I wanted a new job that gave me more hours and was able to work with my schedule. Cue job hunting. I interviewed at this deli and it went super duper well but I didn't here back and just forgot about it. turns out they just weren't hiring a month ago, but now they are and they want me. Sweet :) It pays a little less but I am getting 25- 30 hours a week. good deal :)
Two outfits later
I got a second job. Filled out paper work. I start Tuesday :) Oh and they are working with my schedule so I work after schools and Saturdays.. no Sundays :)
So lets rewind a little bit to right before church.... I caved. I called Sam. Dang it! I just really needed his opinion on getting a second job and his advice. and I am not kidding when I say we get along sooooo well and we agree with almost everything on our political mindsets and we have real deep conversations even if its fifteen minutes before church.... but then he starts talking about whats wrong with the LDS church.. and again my head is filled with doubts and I have to pray, read my scriptures, and fight hard to feel the peace of the spirit again. I hope one day he can have a change of heart. But as much as I want to.. I can't change him. I can't force him to go back to Argentina and serve the remaining 21 months of his mission. even though I really really want to. I just can't.
I miss who he was while he was on his mission and before his mission. We had such a beautiful friendship and relationship and I want that back. Maybe it won't ever be with him again and that's okay. But it still hurts.
Well, that is all for now :)

Can February Be Done Now?

Rant #1 My Sadies date FINALLY said yes but it was really awkward. Let me explain... he came over at 10:00 am which would normally be fine... but it was on a snow day! No, I did not have make up on, my hair was not done, I was in my sweats, and I didn't even have a bra on! There was no way I was about to answer the door! So my dad did.... and it was awkward. I am in the other room feeling awkward and uncomfortable as I heard my parents make my date feel awkward and uncomfortable. And after he finally left my house... I didn't even want to stand up... I just wanted to melt into the couch and die. haha Finally I hesitantly walk into the other room and see a box wrapped in golden paper with pink balloons and a pretty a little card that said "Valerie" It was all really pretty and inside the box were balloons that I popped and there was this whole message that led to him saying yes. So very thoughtful, cute, and I did love it. I just was still feeling really awkward. A few hours later I called him about what group he wanted to go in because one the possible groups were making t-shirts and I was wondering if he wanted to do that... bad idea... maybe I am just over reacting but that entire phone conversation was uncomfortable....

Rant #2 and #3 On Tuesday at my high school there was a "No Place For Hate Tolerance Panel" and there were five different organization representatives there, one being the head of the Resource Exchange. Which is an organization in Colorado that helps with Special Education. My dream is to become a special education teacher. I have a sister with Downs Syndrome and have been working in the special education room since I was in 8th grade and I have completely fallen in love with it. So after the tolerance panel I wanted to go talk to the head of the Resource Exchange and do a little networking. Well at my high school... in front of people he was like "You are the kind of the person we are looking for to do an internship." I think to myself, "YAY!!! foot in the door, he is impressed by me, and this is gonna be great!" Right? No. Turns out he just wanted to look good and gave me his business card in hopes I wasn't actually serious. and yet another uncomfortable phone call in which he tells me that internships are not even available until after I receive a masters degree and not during college like he made it sound. Stupid Two Face. The next rant I am including in this one because also has to do with Special Education. Last week I was invited to a slumber party/ birthday party for one of the girls I work with in the special needs room and that was last night. I thought it was going to be a few girls there and when there aren't too many people at an event, I am confident in my friend making abilities. I show up early to help set up like I was asked and already I am feeling like I don't know anyone and I am the odd one out... and then about 70 more people show up..... and then I REALLY feel alone in a crowded room. I tried really hard to get into groups and talk but it was just so loud and uncomfortable and no one was talking to me. I just wanted to go home :( I stayed for the "SURPRISE" part but in truth, the girl with special needs looked SUPER overwhelmed with everybody and everything that was going. I was there when a boy choir group from my school came to sing her happy birthday and a Justin Bieber song (her absolute favorite, its adorable how much she loves Justin Bieber!) I watched her open up presents.. but there was a lot of presents there and so many people around her... I could tell she wasn't really processing the presents and didn't even know who they were from. and not that I want to make this whole thing about my bad Friday night but... It was impersonal, it was loud, it was chaotic, it was lonely... So I went home to watch a sad movie. I am just really bummed that it wasn't what I was expecting.

Rant #4 I am currently in a Zoology class and after we finished our exams we were able to watch a little bit of "Finding Nemo" One of our class assignments is to take care of a pet (even if its a 75 cent fish that is alive for two days) and I already have a cute little toy poodle named Penny but watching finding Nemo inspired me to dig out an old fish tank I have in my garage, spend two hours cleaning it and cleaning a place for it in my room... and then only to lift it up on to my dresser for me to accidentally have the bottom slip into the corner of my dresser. Glass and water was everywhere. Yepp.

Rant #5 I love my ex boyfriends family. I love and Miss them so much it hurts sometimes. Two nights ago my ex's sister-in-law Facebook messaged me and wanted me to get back together with her brother-in-law because she misses me and knows that I was a really good thing in his life. One problem though.... he doesn't want to be with me. And as much as I love him or miss him or think that I want to be with him... I knows deep down inside that he is not what is best for me. Having his lovely sister who is so close to my heart tell me that she wants us to be sisters and wants things to work out between me and my ex because she misses me and wants me to come visit her out in Utah well it hurt.. A LOT. All of these old memories were dragged up to the surface and I don't know what to do with them... But then my ex texts me...... uggh... and has the nerve to ask me how my day is going and if I have any plans this weekend. haha I am not actually mad about what he said I just wish he would leave me alone so I can get over him. However, as much as he hurt me, I don't want to lose his friendship/ acquaintanceship. So I am still trying to figure out this delicate balance. 

Rant #6 As negative as all these previous rants were I want everyone to know that I LOVE my life. Yes, I have horrible days/weeks/months but I also have incredible friends and opportunities. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that he hears my prayers. I know that I am a daughter of God. I am so incredibly excited for what my future holds and all the bright days ahead of me. I love chasing after my dreams and although it might be a little discouraging at times.. I know I CAN do it :) and I sure has heck don't need a dumb guy to drag me down. Life is great, wonderful, exciting :) and I can not wait to see what happens next! :) 

Senioritis...

I have a very servere case of Senioritis. According to the Urban Dictionary
Senioritis is:

Senioritis
	Urban Word of the Day noun. A crippling disease that strikes high school seniors. Symptoms include: laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shorts, sweatpants, and sweatshirts. Also features a lack of studying, repeated absences, and a generally dismissive attitude. The only known cure is a phenomenon known as Graduation.

How do I know this?
Because I haven't gone to first period in a week. Yepp that's right.. a WEEK!
I tell myself its okay because I am only missing guitar and speech class.. classes that are so easy I can make them up just by spending five minutes with the teacher but still... I said that this would never happen to me and it is still only February haha. So last night I made an agreement with myself that I would actually get up when my alarm clock went off. The only problem is after I woke up and started to get ready... I found out it was a snow day. and there goes my motivation...

Best of Especially For Youth

This is one of the cheesiest music videos... but I LOVE it!
The LDS mutual theme for 2012 is "Arise and Shine Forth" and yesterday I went to a best of EFY and it was great!

Here is just one quote that I really loved: "Live so others will want to know Christ because they know you."
Sometimes I struggle with what I believe in and what is really true and it is amazing what the power of prayer can do. The spirit that comes with studying scriptures, growing in becoming a better person, and "letting your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven." It is all truly amazing :)
In Young Women's today we talked about where we see ourselves in 10 to 40 years and as a laurel class, we all had the same answer. In forty years we desire to be mothers, women with their lives oriented around their families and the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Wow. :) It is so weird to think about. Me being a mom? Being a wife? Meeting a worthy priesthood holder, a return missionary, a Son of God who is going to take me to the temple! When and Where am I going to meet him? Because I NEED to look cute for this one! :) Out of all three of my relationships non of those guys have been someone who strengthens me and helps me build my testimony. Instead, they have all found some awful way to tear me down... and I am done. I will go on dates with but never actually date a non return missionary ever again. It is just way to stressful. I need someone who has already given two years to the Lord and sacrificed that time so they could be and do what their Heavenly Father desired of them. And didn't come home from their mission 21 months early like my ex decided to do. GAHHH! I wish I could smack him sometimes for being so of the world and only listening to the voices of men. But back to the topic... I love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for who I am because of the eternal principles I have learned. I love who I am and the fact that I know Why I am here, Where I came from, and Where I am going. My life experiences have shown me, taught me, built my testimony in knowing that I am a daughter of God, a daughter of a great and powerful king, and he loves me more than I can comprehend. He has sent me here for a divine purpose and If I live His gospel faithfully and fully all that my father has can be mine. So in the spirit of what the lesson was about in Young Women's today, I choose to live my life like the mother I wish to become, the wife I strive to be one day, and the kind of person I want so badly to marry. Arising, moving upward, or ascending to the temple. That is where we need to be. That is where I need to be and I pray for the guidance that I can receive through the Holy Ghost, because of my faithfulness and the beautiful power of the atonement, that every decision I make will lead me there.

If two past lovers remain friends, they are either still in love or never were.

I hate that he can call me and we can talk like we are best friends. I hate how happy I am when I talk to him. I hate how he makes me feel guilty for trying so hard to get over him. I hate that I have to pick up the phone every time I see that he is the one calling.... even though I tried changing his picture on my phone to something equivalent to "the worlds greatest loser." I hate how he makes me feel. I hate being strung along by him and so wrapped up in him. I hate! HATE! HATE! all the crap he put me through and all of the stupid emotional roller coasters I had to endure because he is so dang flip floppy on how he feels all the freaking time. He drives me crazy. I hate how I have been dating this guy and he doesn't compare to how I feel around him in the slightest. I hate the fact that I am not over him even though I say I am. I hate how jealous I am able to make him when I tell him I am dating other guys... because I love knowing that he is jealous. I hate how I know how wrong we are for each other and I hate how I sometimes wish we were still together. I hate how he is moving back to Colorado this summer and that we are going to be in same singles ward. I hate how badly I miss him. I hate how much I want to see him.

Valentines Day :)

As much as I complain about Valentines Day really being "Singles Awareness Day" I secretly love it. Although this year I didn't really have a Valentine, other than a card my friend gave me and some cookies dropped off at my door by the priest group, I love seeing all the flowers, balloons, and teddy bears being carted around by various people all day long because holidays are magical and amazing and I love hearing about cute, romantic stories :)

 These are some sugar cookies I made with my sister to celebrate the holiday :) 

Each and everyday I am learning more and more about what it means to live every day to the fullest, to not care what other people think, to be my own person, and experience life with a bright, happy, optimistic attitude. I am so grateful for the miracles that occur in my life and for the wonderful people that Heavenly Father has placed in my life. I love the design of my life and the opportunities that have been presented to me through my faith in all that Heavenly Father has in store for me :) 

Dear Time, Please Fast Forward.

I have been super stressed lately with school, work, and this weekend was just not a good one for me. My ex boyfriend was spending the weekend with his family two hours away from me and we were supposed to spend this weekend together and it was killing me. Today driving home from work I just felt like I needed to talk to him and no one else was answering their phones and so I called him.. and on one hand I am really glad that I did  because it felt like closure. I could feel that we had an actual friendship beyond our feelings for each other and we were both genuinely interested in what was going on in each others lives..... and talking to him made me happy but when I felt it was time to tell him I had to go I just wanted to be where he is. I miss him. I hate break- ups. They are ridiculously hard to deal with and they just suck and I just want time to jump forward to when I am completely over him and not only realize that our break up is a blessing in disguise but actually be able to feel it.

Also, this song is incredible:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHkvan-NFnM

Sadie Hawkins and Especially Cute Air Force Cadets :)

So a lot of my week has been about figuring out a date to prom and sadie hawkins because they are both just coming up so fast! I had a few different options regarding what I should do for sadies but I ended up asking a boy in my ward named Michael and this is how I did it.....

And my best friend over heard him and his brother trying to come up with ways to say yes!! :)
Oh by the way, that is a video of us hanging out as kids... in case you didn't already catch on :)

Also I highly recommend seeing The Vow

My mom was my Valentines date this year and because I have work Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday we decided to have our date tonight <3 It was the kind of movie that was so cute and wonderful that I didn't want it to end haha. Afterwards my mom and I went to a Mongolian grill for dinner and we saw AIR FORCE CADETS!! not just a few a whole pile of them! and one of them talked to me!! Okay I promise I am not obsessed with cadets.... well maybe just a little. Maybe it is the fact that I have lived right next door to the Air Force Academy my entire life and I have been taught at a very young age to drool over cadets because my older sister married one.... but I don't care. I will find my cadet to marry :) they are just so darn attractive. 

 

Yeah.... It is definitely the uniform :) 

Finding a Prom Date is Impossible When All The Good Guys Are Taken.

You know those days where everything is going great and then just... bam! the ex that you are ignoring texts you again to let you know just how much he doesn't care, and then you start crying because the truth is... you still care... a lot. You're just trying to do the right thing for yourself and your future. Well that was my day. and I hate it because I shouldn't care. But I do. I am still madly in love with who he was (not the selfish, arrogant, prideful, jerk he turned into after he ditched every bit of his morals, beliefs, and faith) Something that my Bishiop said to my Young Women's class that really made me want to turn my life in a different direction was "The decisions you are making right now are impacting your future, I beg you to know that."
So next on the list of things to do is find a prom date.... Or on second thought just abandon the entire notion of having a date. High school boys are dumb. And the ones that aren't dumb are taken.
For example, this guy right here:

 He is Funny, Amazing, Incredibly Attractive, and you guessed it girls... already in a relationship.

P.S. That is an actual Mormon guy I know that I have had a crush on for quite some time but I would never do anything about it because he has a girlfriend... and knows way to much about my recent relationship. 

Hi, My Name is Valerie

The year 2011 was a crazy year for me. On January 1st I started dating this guy who was leaving for his mission on July 27th. We dated and things got serious, so i decided to wait for him, and I was going to wait for him. I loved him and truly believed that he was the one. But then he came home on November 1st because he no longer believed in the Mormon church and things sort of just fell apart for me. The weekly letter and email writing stopped. The sending of packages and love notes was no longer. He was tainting my perspective of the Latter-day Saint church and my values were continually being tried and compromised. So I ended it. I stopped responding to texts and calls, I was done living in a world that made me feel so uncertain and insecure. I miss blogging and being excited about counting down days so I am starting a blog today for me because I have 100 days till I graduate high school and I intend on making them count :) I don't know what these next 100 days has in store for me and I don't know what those 50 days after graduation which will bring me to my 18th birthday will show, But I am ready to start the journey in discovering why I am a Mormon and why I have enough faith in this religion to say no to those who wish to destroy that part of me. This blog will be about my thoughts, talents, and days that I have been blessed with by my loving Heavenly Father, who never gave up on me even when I was finding excuses and reasons to leave and walk out on him. This is my life, my testimony, my sense of belonging, my knowing of the infinite worth I have, and my divine potential to live and become who I have been sent here to be. My name is Valerie and I am a Mormon.